occupation: SAHM

Fulfillment in its truest sense is to be found in surrender and obedience. We need only look at two models for the proof: Eve, whose motto was “My will be done, “ who thus brought sorrow and death to the world, and Mary, who said, “Thy will be done,” and by being willing simply to be somebody’s mother, cooperated with God in bringing salvation to the world. No woman has ever been so highly exalted.-Elisabeth Elliot

I’m going to finally heed my true calling.

To be a full time mother and wife. In the real sense of the word.

I have been thinking about this for years, 3 plus years to be exact. I had been in and out of offices, and have recently chosen to be in the family business and earn my real estate license. But while I will still continue to sell property, I will now do it at home with the aid of the internet and the phone. I will no longer go out of the house to look for clients. I will only go out if there’s already a client in need of my attention. But this will be a mere sideline. It will not and should not interfere with my primary task of being wife and mom.

It’s obviously not an easy decision, as it took me more than 3 years to come to this. I had to consider my relatively expensive education (not that I’m trying to brag), my potentials in the corporate world (still not bragging), our financial situation now and in the future, the expectations of people around me, my family, relatives, friends, the rest of the world for that matter.

There were a lot, and I mean A LOT, of situations where I almost got convinced that I had to join the workforce.

I was so confused. I remember asking for advice from friends from different walks of life, all offering different viewpoints, all making me more confused.

I remember asking God for signs. I know I shouldn’t be doing that, but I now realize He had been giving in and throwing signs my way. I was just too stubborn to acknowledge them. Because you see, all the signs pointed to being a full time mom.

Just recently, I was “forced” to stay at home 24/7 for a month, because our house was undergoing major repairs. I thought I was going to be out of my mind…. But I never did experience that. In fact, I loved it.

I knew it was God’s sign, that burning desire in my heart to be home to keep house and raise my son myself. But along came a torrent of the old questions, doubts and anxiety. Little did I know that God was preparing His biggest sign that will show me His answers.

It was like my head and my heart were having some sort of debate when my husband and I went to a mall. He was waiting for his turn in a barbershop while I wandered around and came across a Christian bookstore that was having a closing-out sale.

I browsed for children’s books, when a book at the farthest corner of the rack caught my eye. Its title - “The Stay at Home Mom.”

It was crazy. It was just a book, and I was getting emotional already.

It was less than PHP 400, and there would be a discount of 15%. The decision whether or not to get it should’ve been a mere yes or no, but I felt like I was making the biggest decision of my life. I was on the rack for so long my husband already had his haircut and I still hadn’t made up my mind. We strolled and did a little bit of shopping and a whole lot of window shopping. We finally got home with weary feet, and egad! I was still thinking about the book.

It was like there were voices in my head, scolding me for not getting the book. And I was trying to justify my not buying it. I felt it would be tantamount to deciding on staying at home.

I came back to the mall two days later. I was thinking, it was the only copy left, surely someone must have bought it. If it was still there, then I would be buying it.

Minutes later, I was forking out money.

I finished the book in less than two days. I had to stop reading once in a while because my eyes would be getting misty.

It was no doubt God’s answer to me. I didn’t feel like I was reading a book by Donna Otto at all, but a letter from Him. All questions were answered. All doubts were erased. All anxious voices hushed.

And when I finally said the big Yes, the raging waves in my heart were subdued. So I knew that I made the right decision. I could almost see God’s face smiling approvingly.

I asked my husband for his opinion, and whether or not he felt he should veto my decision. He was supportive, or more accurately, he was elated. It was followed by a lot of brainstorming and sharing about what we will do with the rest of our lives.

However, there are still a lot to face. My parents, for one, expect me to still do what I usually do in the business. I still haven’t found the courage to tell them. All I have been doing is coming up with reasons why I wouldn’t be going to work. If there is a group of people rallying to make me get out of the house to work, my parents will definitely be leading the pack. Can’t blame them, they slaved for my tuition fees.

There will be discriminating relatives and old classmates and friends and friends of friends. People who will scoff at me because they cannot and will never understand my “work.” There will be more anxiety about our future as news programs bring out the weekly price increases. And of course, doubts may resurface. Once in a while, I do get disheartened that I have to browse the book so I will be reminded of what made me decide to do this before anxiety takes over.

But this is my lot in life. I now understand that God has been calling me to serve Him through the ministry of motherhood for years. It is time to answer that call, and trust Him to take care of the rest. In fact, seems to me He has been fulfilling His part of the bargain barely a week after I said yes.